Mel Walsh

Holidays: The Debriefing

                So pour yourself another cuppa and think how you spent the last month. Compare it to the other Decembers of your life. Can you see a holiday trajectory? An evolution of holiday habits? Or are you still doing the same things in December that you did at 25 or 50?

 If you are old enough for Social Security, you may have morphed into a new holiday phase, semi-retired now from some of the hoo-ha and from the merry slavery over a hot stove.  Example: Many of us geezers have passed on the turkey platter to younger members of the family. Let them bake the turkey with the giblets still inside. You’ve been there and done that and a lot more you’d rather not tell Martha Stewart about.

Looking back on the recent holidays and those not so recent, it seems to me that holiday behaviors do change over the years.  When you live long enough to have hung stockings by the chimney with care for 6, 7 or 8 decades, the thrill wears a little thin, especially when the cookies and milk are still there in the morning.

Truth to tell, some of us over 50 have pulled back on parties and cooking, cut back on cards stuffed over-long letters and stifled the urge to give little gifts to anything that moves, including the dog and the cat. It’s not that Scrooge is our hero. It’s that we have less energy and probably less disposable income to play the Santa that used to be us.

 Me, I can no longer haul in a 12-foot tree, put it up reliably, find the decorations, untangle the lights, decorate, sweep up the needles, keep it watered and pull the whole scene apart again the first week of January…to say nothing of feeling guilty about mucking up the town gutters with my dead pine tree.

And over-the top celebrations can put older folks under the weather. Think massive winter colds. Think Yule Flu. We don’t have the resilience we used to have when we stayed up to 2 AM assembling toys with the wrong screwdriver.

And holidays with too many bells and whistles now seem extravagant, especially to those who lived through the deprivations of the Depression when there was not enough money for a tree or a present. Many older people lived like Tiny Tim back then, goose-less and gift-less. Not a GI Joe or Hot Wheels in sight.

With all these things in mind, I’d argue that it’s perfectly reasonable to leave the heavy holiday lifting to our now adult children. (Think of it as revenge for the times they didn’t help with the holidays, but bolted as soon as they came home from college to go off and have clandestine keggers with their friends.)

And next time, if, after celebrating a bit with family and best friends---(that thrill is still there)---we then want a little time to be quiet, listen to Bing and send out for a pizza on Christmas Eve, be tolerant.

Even Santa hits retirement age.

Holiday: Version 2008

            It is the best of times and the worst of times. Most of all, it’s the weirdest of times. Who of us will forget 2008? It was the year of millionaires with limited means, a year when comedians took on serious political issues and politicians provided the comedy. Everything seemed back-asswards which tells me there’s only one way to set things right: Forget it all and celebrate the holidays with your family.

But wait! Weird things are happening there too. While the adults gather round the Yule log, the young people sit in the corner going tap, tap, tap. No, it’s not the sound of Santa’s workshop. It’s the sound of their little fingers texting away on their cell phones.

Here We Go A’Texting

Just so you’ll know what’s going on with the young people at the family gatherings this year, texting is sending short print messages from one cell phone to the screen of another cell phone. A message to ask about another’s welfare may come through as:  r u ok?

Text messages can be sent and received without a parent or grandparent hearing a ring. The real tipoff to what’s going on are the kids’ flying thumbs on the keyboard of a cell phone. Today’s youngsters know how to speed type at an astonishing rate with just their thumbs. But no surprise here. Their parents have Blackberries implanted in their thumbs,

Your Role as a Texting Chaperone

So what does texting mean to you as an older adult in the family holiday circle? Two things:

First, you should ask for a demo so you can see what the whippersnappers are up to these days. You don’t want to wander through life as a clueless geezer. While you are at it, ask them to show and tell you about Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, blogging and social networking. These things are the new form of online culture, the social lifeblood of your descendants. As your great-grandparents once socialized at quilting bees, barn raisings and square dances, your grandkids are getting together on their cell phones and computers.

Then the second thing: make a rule that’s in effect, not only on holidays, but whenever you get together. The rule is: No texting during meals. Also, no cell phones at the table, no electronic games, no listening to iPods. (Be alert: this can be done secretly with earbuds hidden under the hair.)

Bottom line: The focused presence of your young family members is requested. Nay, required. And so beginneth another lesson in family conversation---you know, talking to each other. And one sure way to get the attention of younger people is to begin telling stories about their parents. Better still, start telling stories on their parents.

Tips & Tricks

One good icebreaker at these semi-formal holiday meals: put a family photo or memento at each place. A old report card, a drawing, a vintage wind-up toy, a third grade class picture---I’ve used all of these and everybody gets a kick out of a nostalgic blast from the past.

Then sometime after dinner, call in the family computer expert, someone who is probably between the ages of 6 and 18, and have him or her clean up your hard drive, defrag your files and get you an up-to date browser. These young, very cool, very smart whizzes can help grandparents float on the rising waters of technology and keep us from digitally drowning.

I see this tech help as random acts of grandchild kindness. It’s enough to make me forgive them for texting their way through my yearly rendition of the Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. 

Yawning In The New Year

            What is it about New Year’s Eve that the older you grow, the less important it is? When I was a child, I used to stay up until midnight with my grandma at the kitchen table. She and I would listen to Guy Lombardo on the radio---“the sweetest music this side of heaven”---drink ginger ale, clock-watch and wait for midnight. Did we think our pumpkin surroundings would turn into palace plush at twelve strokes? 

Maybe I did. I was young and dreamy. But grandma was past seventy then and she had more sense. (I pause here to think that the big difference between her generation and mine is that hers might have run out of dreams by seventy---not much life left to dream about---but we, boosted by the new longevity statistics, dare to dream about our futures.)  Anyhow, Gram and I did our kitchen table/Guy Lombardo routine until she died and went to heaven to make her tapioca pudding for the angels.

New Year’s Kissing Dilemmas

Later on in life, the shape of December 31 morphed into frantic parties for college-aged revelers. These parties were full of romantic suspense because everybody was looking for someone to kiss at midnight. Also, on the agenda that night: making sure you avoided people who wanted the excuse of a new year to kiss you.

Who you kissed at midnight was very important and, more than fifty years later, it still is. In fact, for many older adults, New Year’s Eve parties are to be avoided because for the widowed, divorced and single, there may be nobody to kiss---or at least to kiss with any enthusiasm. Which is one of the reasons many of us geezers are in bed by ten on New Year’s Eve—avoiding the whole thing.

As a widowed friend of mine told me:” I avoid all situations that are like Noah’s Ark---two by two”. Instead she developed a wonderful group of older women friends who were unattached romantically and available for geezer group outings. She called them The Loose Ladies and they had what all fun-loving senior groups need---someone in the gang who can see to drive at night.

A Geezer’s Perfect New Year’s Eve

Today, New Year’s Eve is completely off my radar screen as an opportunity for a big party. Instead, I see dinner for a few friends by the fire. I see Cranky Pants in his best sweats. I see an after-dinner book. I hear the ghost of Guy Lombardo from his CD, Enjoying Yourself. I hear the singing of Michael Bublé and the golden horn of Chris Botti, new CD’s from Santa. I see myself waking up as the same person in 2008 that went to bed in 2007---no overnight miracle transformation. As for resolutions, my resolution is not to make any. I also see waking up with the same person I kissed the night before. If you lived a bit---or just watched Sex and The City---you know this kind of relaxed continuity is not a given.  It may be a small miracle.

Words for the Wise

            If your idea of bringing in the New Year is a good book by the fire, consider: You: Staying Young---The Owner’s Manual for Extending Your Warranty by Michael Roizen and Mehmet Oz, both of them physicians. It’s not a somber lecture. In fact, parts are illustrated as a comic book. Instead, it’s an accessible how-to and why-to book for older adults on how to live longer, healthier lives.

            Read it, do it and you’ll live to yawn in many a more New Year.

            

The Three Secrets of Holiday Happiness

Over the river and through the woods to grandmother’s house we go---maybe that’s the signal for us grandparents to leave town. Maybe we’ll go to our kid’s house for the holidays instead. Or head to a beach where the warmth comes from the sun and not from the heat of our kitchen stoves. 

Okay, I confess I have such anti-holiday thoughts just about every other Tuesday. But in reality, I have happily signed on to have a group of six family members spend six festive days with us this month. (Festive is when everybody wears bad sweaters and reindeer earrings.)

Now then, I am older and so I am supposed to be smart---to have learned something about enjoying the family during the holidays rather than be pulled down by the forces that throw many of us into Grinch mode. So, over the years, I have learned the enemies of holiday pleasure and they are:

1. Unrealistic, numb-minded expectations about holidays; 2. Taking on too much in the way of cooking, shopping and decorating; 3. Feeling like a prisoner of tradition---i.e. you must sing carols, wear snowman sweaters, eat candy canes and watch that damned holiday movie on TV, the one your mate has to see every year while you trim the tree with the same ratty angel on top.

So, here are some grandma tips about…

Expectations: Where did we get the idea that human nature changed during one month of the year and that, in December, everybody would be jolly, kind, generous and able to sing Silent Night on key? In reality, we are the same people in December that we’ve been from January through November. And so is everybody else. Imperfections are us---maybe even more so under the stress of the holidays. So give yourself and others a break and join my club: Geezers Imperfect. And consider the auxiliary: Imperfect Sons and Daughters of Imperfect Geezers.

We will give the wrong presents, undercook the turkey, drink too much eggnog, forget the postperson’s present, get the party time wrong, forget to buy poultry seasoning and imagine grandkids still play with tops and Tiddlywinks. As I said: Imperfect. So relax and expect imperfection this holiday season. You will not be disappointed.

Taking on Too Much

            Am I the first to tell you that you are not Martha Stewart? Even Martha Stewart isn’t Martha Stewart or rather she isn’t the image she presents to the public of doing it all beautifully by herself. The food, crafts and décor she showcases are the result of an army of worker bees behind the scenes.

And that’s just what we all need, too: lots of worker bees and lots of help. So ask for it.

Ask people to bring food and wine when they come over. That’s holiday potluck, the season’s savior. Or bring in some take-out. Or call the friendly pizza delivery boy yet once again. Downsize your menus. Use frozen and already prepared foods. I intend to ask the older visiting grandkids to cook a special meal for the adults.

Get the store to wrap your gifts---or, for heaven’s sake, don’t wrap them.

Consider a faux tree. No needles. Pre-lit. Not likely to fall over or catch fire. Use a pine-scented candle if you want the forest scent. Or tuck some real greens on the table.

Imprisoned By Tradition

            Repeat after me: I have free will. I do not have to make eight kinds of cookies or mince pies like my mom. I do not have to get up on the roof to put blinking lights on the blinking house. I do not have to sing-along if I don’t want to. I don’t have to drink-along if I don’t want to. I can even make up my own holiday stuff: Play Mick Jagger on Christmas Eve or put Coors in the punch bowl. (Mom’s good old boy gone bad.)

Words for the Wise

            Expect little. Attempt less. Ask for help with the less. Enjoy.

Read more of Mel's tips about holiday pleasures in the December issue of O, The Oprah Magazine.

            

            

Thanksgiving: The Family For Better or Better

If holidays are so much fun, then why do we dread them?

            Is it exhaustion from family—too many people all at once and in repeated doses?

            Well, truth to tell, though family occasions are satisfying---this is my clan, where I belong---they can be fraught with issues. (Now there’s a word: “fraught”.) It means burdened and loaded and is related to the word, “freight”. Freight is baggage and families, as we all know, come with a complete set of baggage, some of it matching, some not.

So what’s to be fraught about?

You already know:

1. Old history, enmities that aren’t water under the bridge, but emotions still dammed up, waiting to explode over a minor holiday incident---maybe the ”wrong” gift, maybe being late for the festivities---nothing that’s a big deal but, yikes, some unhappy person will make a big deal over it because he or she is carrying some heavy freight from past injuries, real or imagined.

2. Present behavior. Rich, rich rich is the depth of opportunity for getting upset with family over the holidays. It may be your sacred habit to open presents on Christmas Day, never before. That’s your gift code. But your son’s new wife opens them Christmas Eve. Is she not clueless beyond redemption? Or maybe your grandson Johnny smokes and though he’s outside, the smoke drifts in the house and you wonder what he smokes, anyhow. And why won’t he listen to you about his lungs?

Well, you can fill in your own situations. Think “fraught” and you’ll have many a holiday story to tell. My own worst moment: when my mother and step-father announced their divorce on Christmas Eve. I still feel sorry for myself 40 years later, which shows how long the half-life of family freight can be.

So What To Do?

            There are ways to keep family holidays upbeat. Not completely upbeat, of course, for the seasonally disgruntled will do their gruntling no matter what. (That’s why the story of Scrooge has such wide appeal. We all know someone like Scrooge. Heck, we all are Scrooge at times.) But there are ways to morph families into a fun mode so they won’t scrooge up their time together.

            Generate A Comedy Hour: It’s hard to be mean when you’re laughing. Snug in with the family during the holidays with some classic comedy DVD’s or some old Bill Cosby videos. Make it three-generational entertainment if that is your audience. And no, not George Carlin.

You can even tell your own one-liners. Really. Here’s one you can do Thanksgiving Day:  When people go around the table saying what each one is thankful for, you say: “I’m thankful I didn’t get caught”. And then refuse to say more.

As for other family comedy, even our dogs get into the act. I confess Tiger has been dressed up with a reindeer antler headdress. We think it’s funny, but then we are easily amused. He seems proud of it---like a crown.

Do A Holiday Movie Night: Movies are the universal, cross-generation language. Everybody has an opinion about a movie: Wasn’t he cute? Hated the casting. Great story. What’s the best holiday movie? A Christmas Story? It’s a Wonderful Life?

If you are stumped for ideas because the youngest in the family may not love Miracle on 34^th Street the way you did, then check out this book: The Best Old Movies for Families: A Guide for Watching Together by Ty Burr.

Words to the Wise

            The fun and nostalgia of old movies is a positive thing for families, but it’s entertainment generated outside the family. Instead, maybe the most meaningful input over the holidays comes from family members themselves---when they tell you what they do, think and feel.

So ask about their lives. Do you know what your marketing director son really does in his job? What about your grandkids? Ask them to tell you about YouTube, MySpace, text messaging and the latest video games. And ask the little ones: What was the best holiday present you ever got? Then tell them about yours.

This is a humbling exercise. I discovered what I don’t know about my family is amazing. But then, what they don’t know about me is amazing, too.

            And yes, I am thankful I never got caught.

Mel Walsh is the author of Hot Granny, now in its second printing and a great girlfriend stocking stuffer for the holidays.

12 Tips: You'll Give Thanks for This Thanksgiving

                  It’s November, kickoff time for the Official Semi-Pro Entertaining Season. This is the month harried cooks call the Butterball Hotline on Thanksgiving morning to find out how to cook the turkey they forgot to defrost. 

            But, as any hostess knows, there may be other defrosting jobs on Thanksgiving---maybe breaking the ice with grandchildren who barely know you, maybe getting family members to relax and enjoy each other, nursing drinks instead of grudges.

So here are a dozen tips to warm up visiting grandkids and their parents, especially when they are spending the long Thanksgiving weekend with you:

1.                  Get off to a good start. Family members may have driven a long way to your house---over the river and through the traffic jams. When they come in the door, have refreshments at the ready. Maybe an easy mulled wine for the grown-ups---you can buy the spices already assembled. (Try Aspen Mulling Spices.) Do the same with apple cider or sparkling grape juice for the kids.

2.                  Avoid a seasonal nervous breakdown over the Thanksgiving meal. Get help. Grandkids can stuff the celery with cream cheese. They can whip cream for the pies (and lick the beaters). If they use manual egg beaters instead of electric machines, it’s safer and keeps them busy longer. And of course, pull the adults into the action, too. Even a cooking-impaired person can drive to a bakery to pick up a pie.

3.                  Provide nostalgia as a first course for Thanksgiving dinner. It’s one sure-fire way to get people talking and enjoying themselves. At each place, put a memento of that person’s past. Maybe their third-grade picture, a report card, a crayon drawing---anything to get the nostalgia flowing. I am wicked, but I put out the graduation certificate of my first-born son---he who graduated some 40 years ago from Little Beaver Nursery School. Digging up the past this way can make for an hilarious start to the meal.

4.                  Relax about manners and about whether or not everyone likes your cooking. If you have a kids’ table, know that your Brussels sprouts will be offered to the dog. Hey, you did it too.

5.                  Get out of the house. Families can get restless if confined long together. Maybe it’s the noise and the constant interaction. Anyhow, plan some expeditions for both generations. Think holiday craft fair or the special movie that opens on Thanksgiving weekend. Your grandkids will know what that special movie is, even if you don’t.

6.                  Get active. If the weather and the yard allow, throw a football around. Kick a soccer ball. Go walk in a park. I know one family that hikes to a designated Bird Tree in the woods and there they hang up bird goodies like suet and peanut butter stuck into pine cones. Then the birds have a holiday too.

7.                  Think games. Ask your visiting family what games they love. Cranky Pants’ family members lay out a huge puzzle that anyone can try to put together. We also do charades---pretty primitive charades so the youngest won’t feel left out. I do a pitiful imitation of Big Bird—all dignity left behind.

8.                  Do family theater. If anyone sings, dances, plays something musical or does pig calls, ask for a demo. Ask, don’t insist. Some grandchildren have learned Thanksgiving poems or songs at school and are freshly rehearsed for your viewing pleasure.

9.                  Be quiet on the negative front. Don’t criticize—not even the studs in the nose. It takes all kinds to make a family and this is the only one you’ve been issued.

10.              Be imaginative with the grandkids. They like to play, so give Native American headdresses to young family members and they can play at being the first Indians at the first Thanksgiving. Just a feather and a ribbon will work. One year I dressed up my daughter in full costume, moccasins and all. A faux squaw-ette, she went around the neighborhood to wish them all Happy Thanksgiving. Forty years later, I still hear the stories about that Thanksgiving.

11.              Remember the visiting pets, the grand dogs of the family. Have a treat ready, plus water and food bowls in a corner.

12.              Order in pizza on Friday.

What To Do About Holiday Dread

            If holidays are so much fun, then why do we dread them?

            Is it exhaustion from family—too many people all at once and in repeated doses?

            Well, truth to tell, though family occasions are satisfying---this is my clan, where I belong---they can be fraught with issues. (Now there’s a word: “fraught”.) It means burdened and loaded and is related to the word, “freight”. Freight is baggage and families, as we all know, come with a complete set of baggage, some of it matching, some not.

So what’s to be fraught about?

You already know:

1. Old history, enmities that aren’t water under the bridge, but emotions still dammed up, waiting to explode over a minor holiday incident---maybe the ”wrong” gift, maybe being late for the festivities---nothing that’s a big deal but, yikes, some unhappy person will make a big deal over it because he or she is carrying some heavy freight from past injuries, real or imagined.

2. Present behavior. Rich, rich rich is the depth of opportunity for getting upset with family over the holidays. It may be your sacred habit to open presents on Christmas Day, never before. That’s your gift code. But your son’s new wife opens them Christmas Eve. Is she not clueless beyond redemption? Or maybe your grandson Johnny smokes and though he’s outside, the smoke drifts in the house and you wonder what he smokes, anyhow. And why won’t he listen to you about his lungs?

Well, you can fill in your own situations. Think “fraught” and you’ll have many a holiday story to tell. My own worst moment: when my mother and step-father announced their divorce on Christmas Eve. I still feel sorry for myself 40 years later, which shows how long the half-life of family freight can be.

So What To Do?

            There are ways to keep family holidays upbeat. Not completely upbeat, of course, for the seasonally disgruntled will do their gruntling no matter what. (That’s why the story of Scrooge has such wide appeal. We all know someone like Scrooge. Heck, we all are Scrooge at times.) But there are ways to morph families into a fun mode so they won’t scrooge up their time together.

            Generate A Comedy Hour: It’s hard to be mean when you’re laughing. Snug in with the family during the holidays with some classic comedy DVD’s or some old Bill Cosby videos. Make it three-generational entertainment if that is your audience. And no, not George Carlin.

You can even tell your own one-liners. Really. Here’s one you can do Thanksgiving Day:  When people go around the table saying what each one is thankful for, you say: “I’m thankful I didn’t get caught”. And then refuse to say more.

As for other family comedy, even our dogs get into the act. I confess Tiger has been dressed up with a reindeer antler headdress. We think it’s funny, but then we are easily amused. He seems proud of it---like a crown.

Do A Holiday Movie Night: Movies are the universal, cross-generation language. Everybody has an opinion about a movie: Wasn’t he cute? Hated the casting. Great story. What’s the best holiday movie? A Christmas Story? It’s a Wonderful Life?

If you are stumped for ideas because the youngest in the family may not love Miracle on 34^th Street the way you did, then check out this book: The Best Old Movies for Families: A Guide for Watching Together by Ty Burr.

Words to the Wise

            The fun and nostalgia of old movies is a positive thing for families, but it’s entertainment generated outside the family. Instead, maybe the most meaningful input over the holidays comes from family members themselves---when they tell you what they do, think and feel.

So ask about their lives. Do you know what your marketing director son really does in his job? What about your grandkids? Ask them to tell you about YouTube, MySpace, text messaging and the latest video games. And ask the little ones: What was the best holiday present you ever got? Then tell them about yours.

This is a humbling exercise. I discovered what I don’t know about my family is amazing. But then, what they don’t know about me is amazing, too.

            And yes, I am thankful I never got caught.

Abs of Custard

The New Year approacheth---time for telling big whoppers to ourselves. I will lose twenty pounds next year. I will exercise every day. I will floss, swallow the Centrum Silver and pat wrinkle cream on the turkey wattles hanging from what used to be known as my neck.

Me---on New Year’s Day, I look in the mirror and I think: Would this woman lie? Will she say today that she will shape up even though she won’t?

You betcha.

So welcome to the world of the New Year resolution, a dreamy land of gossamer fibs and delusion. I love this world. It is so darned human. Plus it’s actually pleasant to float for a while on a cloud of good intentions.

Of course, the cloud is gone by February but gee, it’s fun while it lasts and it warms the heart to look in the back of the closet and view the remains of old resolutions. The leg warmers. The spandex leggings. The sweat bands that declared you were indeed a true gym warrior. The pink running shoes whose message was: I am an athletic woman—a Helen Reddy in gym mode---and not some smelly, sweat-bellied jock.

I am woman, hear me say: I will do my reps today.

Don’t Knock Our Good Intentions

Well, I don’t really knock these January dreams of glory. There’s nothing like a good healthy gush of self-improvement to get one’s blood running and it is better to have moved and lost than not to have moved at all. Besides, watching how the exercise instructions have changed over the years helps keep one’s cynicism alive and at a healthy level. Do you remember going for the burn? Then, after we all had all been burned, we were told we shouldn’t go for it. Over-exercising was bad. Frankly, I never did chase the burn. I only pretended to.

Tips for Pretending

            Here’s how to pretend and it still works today. It’s all about the mouth and especially about the lips and best performed in front of an audience.

As you begin to exercise, purse your lips—Angelina about to buss Brad. Then get the breath going in full theatrical mode---in and out. Be audible. Loud intake, big swooshy exhale.

People still do this showboat breathing today. Look at the exercise videos on the gym rat TV channels. That’ll get you giggling. It’s the old mouth workout up there on the little screen. Faux labored breathing. Pant, pant, pant.

New Year’s Eve at the Video Gym

        If you really want to entertain yourself on New Year’s Eve, get out your vintage exercise videos. Watch Linda Evans talk about The New You. Spend the evening with Richard Simmons. Brush up on gym talk. Refresh your exercise vocabulary. Say: Abs, butts, buns, cardio and crunches.

Good. Now we have the right words. Now we can not only talk about exercise, we can make a resolution to talk a lot about exercise in the new year. But if it actually comes to moving, you go first.

Happy New Year.

Copyright © Maryellen Walsh 2006

Gifts for Your Inner Artist

Three more shopping seconds until Xmas. Anyway, that’s how it feels the weekend before Christmas and the question now is this: Did I forget anyone?

Well, that forgotten person may be you, the invisible and creative you who has been stifled for eleventy-seven years under family, jobs and mortgages. Don’t you have a little person who lives inside, the one who’s been wanting to get out to paint, write, photograph, make jewelry, quilt, play guitar, do woodworking, make videos, dance or sing---that one? And doesn’t that person deserve a gift that will give him or her a jump start in the creativity biz?

I say yes, but first let’s look at what keeps people from giving themselves such a gift.

Blocks to Bust

Many of us keep our little person in jail for years. We are afraid to express ourselves creatively and the irony for older people is that they finally have time to pursue their dreams but they still don’t do it. Here’s why:

Fear of ridicule: My brother will say I am as creative as a lost sock.

Fear of failure: My grandsons will donate the scarves I knit to the Salvation Army and even the Salvation Army won’t take them.

Fear of not being good enough: My work will never add up to great so why bother? Picasso I ain’t.

Fear that it is too late: I’m too old to start now.

Answers

About fear of ridicule: You may get some ridicule. Ignore it. People could be jealous that you have the guts to pursue something.

About fear of failure: I was told to stop writing after my first book was rejected over 40 times. My fourth book will be published this spring. So just keep on chugging. Do what you love. The pleasure will follow.

About not being good enough: The idea of creativity is not to win a prize, but to have fun. Yeah, you probably will never be Picasso. But people do not have to be top-of-the-heap to be on top of the world with the fun that comes from creativity.

About it being too late: As author Barbara Sher, says: “It’s only too late if you don’t start now”. And think of Grandma Moses starting to paint as a much older woman.

Words to the Wise…About Getting Ready

Consider these holidays a good time to get yourself set to create.

Some ideas:

Get the equipment: For the inner Ansel Adams, a digital camera. There are now digital single lens reflex cameras if you prefer something other than a tiny digital camera with eensy buttons. Or get the watercolor set and lots of paper. Whatever it takes---a saw, a keyboard, a kiln.

Get the lessons: Check college catalogs, local classes and practitioners of what you want to learn. Look at the offerings in craft stores.

Go away: Treat yourself to a course given by the state universities or go to a writing workshop.

Get the books: Books about creativity have never been more inspiring and instructive. You can see what others are doing and learn how they do it. Go to a bookstore or wander around Amazon.com.

Get buddies: Join a club. Or Google Yahoo groups. In the search box, type the subject that interests you. There you will find your people.

Set aside time: Put at least a half-day a week on your calendar. That’s the time for the little person inside.

Inspire yourself: Frame the work you’ve already done. Get out the pillow you embroidered. On the refrigerator, put up pics of what you would like to do. Read The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. She will hold your hand.

So Happy Holidays to you and the little person inside. That little person has waited long enough. Cookies and milk for him, too. And a nice big present.

Gifts That Count

        I know you are out there making a list and despairing of it twice and trying to figure out who’s naughty or nice, but really, what is the best present you can give after you’ve bought your nearest and dearest what they didn’t know they wanted for Christmas?

Well, think beyond candy and cashmere and try another C word, charity. But which ones? That’s the good question.

Many people give to organization X because their Dad had disease X or because they love cats or hate to see people go hungry or want to help someone get an education. It’s great to want to help. But what do people really know about the organizations they give to?

Know Where Your Buck Is Stopping

First, don’t get taken. Some low-life charity organizations are mechanisms for the enrichment of executives who skulk behind the shield of righteousness. An Internet search turned up one charity in Texas that says it promotes “godliness and sound morality”. The president makes $510,285 dollars a year, 22.98% of the organization’s budget. So if you want most of your donation to really go the sick people, the cats or the kids, be careful.

Navigating Charity Groups

But how to find out what groups are naughty and not nice at all? Go to www.charitynavigator.org and look up the rating of the group you are thinking of supporting. Small charities are probably not rated on Charity Navigator, but the bigger ones are and you may learn how well they are run financially. A four-star rating is the best and a no-star rating means I will personally tackle you on your way to the post office if you give them a Christmas cent.

So look up the group up before you write out the check. Or ask them for their tax form 990 to look at their finances.

Here are some other ideas from the same site---tips for older donors about giving.

· Don’t give in to pressure. As Charity Navigator says: “Well-run charities don’t use pressure tactics to garner support for their mission. They don’t have to. Their good work and financial health speak for themselves”.

· Be careful of imposters. Badly run charities will take the sound-alike names of good charities.

· Don’t feel you have to give someone money because they sent you little gifts in the mail. It’s soft blackmail.

Don’t Wait To Be Asked

            Take the initiative and that means you have to know yourself. Know what grabs your heart and satisfies your sense of what the world needs and stick to it. Many are the letters and calls that come our way in this holiday season. But each of us is the only and best judge of where to put our hard-earned money.

If you are making a substantial gift, see firsthand how the money is used in the program. Have you visited the shelter, gone to the concert, checked out the patient load, read the newsletter, looked at the website or talked to other donors?

A Decision: A Little Money to Many or More Money to a Few?

One school of thought says to donate some here and some there, covering a wide charity landscape with twenty-dollar bills. That’s broadcasting the Christmas cash.

Others say it’s best to give only to the few organizations that matter to you and give in an amount that might make a difference to them.

Now, those who give to many may be hit with even more mail and phone solicitations, but they’ve probably left no charitable stone unturned in their communities. On the other hand, those who give to a few may be satisfied that their gift has actually made a difference. It’s paid the rent, fed 50 people or sponsored a concert.

Those who give both ways---to the many and also to the special few---well, their wallets may be empty, but they should look in their holiday stocking for the halo tucked in at the bottom.

Now that’s a hat that looks good on everybody.

Copyright © Maryellen Walsh 2006

E-Note to Santa

All I want for Christmas is a gift I can understand---not a high tech device with a manual so thick it weighs down the sleigh. So, Santa Baby, give me something simple. Diamonds would fill the bill---no operating instructions needed---but over-teched appliances are more likely to appear under my tree.

However, my friends and I are sick of trying to live up to our gadgets and appliances. If only GE, Sony, Radio Shack and other purveyors of complexity would hear us when we say: Hey you, Mr. Designer Man, can you figure out a product that does not need a 92-page instruction booklet?

A Tale of Two Times

Imagine this:

Christmas in 1946. What’s under the tree? A radio. It has one band—AM—and two knobs, one for finding a station and one for volume. Plug it in. Dance to Benny Goodman. Listen to Tom Mix. Enjoy.

Christmas in 2006. What’s under the tree? A radio. It has bands up the ying-yang---AM, FM, weather, TV--- and many teeny tiny knobs controlling functions you didn’t know you never wanted until now. This radio may have three antennas---AM, internal FM, external FM---and a CD player just in case, plus ways to pre-set stations on several bands as well as buzzers, snooze gizmos and a mystery button marked “Jog”. Plug in this radio and it sits there. It needs to be told what to do. Duh! It’s technologically smart and ergonomically stupid.

Or take cell phones. Basically, they are a great idea for older people. Get stuck on the road or in the middle of a medical emergency, you can make a call. But do we need a cell phone that takes pictures, plays tunes, browses the Internet, writes emails, keeps a calendar and has buttons so small on a space so tiny that even if you could figure out how to work all the functions, your fingers couldn’t fit on the keyboard to send out the help message that you will surely need to send:

SOS---I have been undone by a cell phone. Can you hear me now?

And So It Goes

You name the tech gift and I’ll bet it is over-engineered, full of almost useless “functions” and designed by young engineers for young engineers. Complexity rules the cameras, the TV and the many remotes needed to govern the pictures and the players of the DVD world.

Even the ovens and the microwaves have gone beyond my capacity to cope. I have a toaster oven that lives beyond my intellectual means. Does Cuisinart run an Academy of Toasting to teach the oven owner what rack level to use on which setting and selected in what order using which button to cook the selected food product? My toaster oven wants to know these things before it will start working.

Mel to toaster oven: Just shut up and cook.

You May Be Smarter Than They Are

Don’t be awed by these devices. They’re fallible. You can’t always believe your tech gadgets even when they are smart enough to talk. Take my GPS. My Global Positioning System is named Jill and Jill tells lies---big geographic whoppers. If I believe what Jill says, I will go astray maybe 25% of the time.

So in any argument with your GPS, trust yourself. Because if you always do what your GPS says, you may end up in Keokuk without a paddle. Based on Jill’s past boo-boos, I figure I’m better off with my maps than with Jill and I will stick to that story unless you find me in your backyard.

So What To Do About Tech?

As my buddy Gail says, the world is full of IM’s, SIM’s, Blackberries, Bluetooth, (did one cause the other?) Tivos and Treos. So then, what’s a gal to do?

1. Don’t give up. Some devices are worth the learning curve. If you enjoy being surrounded by music, consider an iPod. Look at a digital camera, a desktop or laptop---all these may be worth the time it takes to know them.

2. Only learn the functions you need and ignore the rest of the buttons.

3. Only buy what you need. For me, a Blackberry or a Palm Pilot will not beat the ease, swiftness and simplicity of a techless device called a paper pocket calendar.

4. For the big box appliances, find a seller who also offers delivery, installation and removal of the old appliance you’re replacing.

4. Ask your grandchildren how to work the new devices. Kids don’t even have to read the manuals.

5. Stick to diamonds. No manual. Easy to use right out of the box. Don’t have to hire a truck to take the old ones to the dump.

Copyright © Maryellen Walsh 2006

Giving The Turkey The Bird

     Ask any older person. Holidays are more complicated now. Take Christmas stockings. They used to be old socks half-filled with ribbon candy, a tangerine and a piece of coal to keep you humble. Then maybe you got one present or, during the Depression, no present at all.

And there was no huge debate about where to go for the holidays. You either stayed home or went to a nearby relative’s for your turkey. You did not fly to Denver, Boston or Miami to eat pie with your family. Your closest relatives were actually close---up the block, down the street and sometimes even in the same house.

But now, the choices provoke a seasonal nervous breakdown. Should we drive to my parents or fly to yours? What about seeing your sister? Or should we have everybody here? But isn’t our table too small for 18 people and John doesn’t talk to Alex. Donny got divorced and everybody hates Donny’s new wife and Sam told us he won’t drive on a holiday.

And so it runs until our good intentions evaporate under the pressure.

Well, I have a solution, at least for grandparents.

Hand Off The Turkey Platter

Give it up. There is no law that says you have to do the turkey, be the host or make everybody’s holiday dreams come true. You can give the turkey the bird. Your descendants don’t have to come to your house for a command performance involving large stupid poultry. Instead think: over the river and through the woods to daughter’s house we go.

So consider donating the turkey platter to the next generation. Yes, long ago you and I were the ones who manufactured holiday joy by sewing up turkey bottoms and making bad gravy but we don’t have to do it anymore. We oldsters do not own the holidays.

Anyhow, it is probably easier for them to have you to their house. Then your kids don’t have to displace their kids, pack up the diaper bags or leave their daily orbits. When I was a young woman with four kids under six, it was hard to appease the grandparents when they lived in three households in another state and all had issued soft orders to appear on the same holiday. I try to remember those times when I find myself expecting my kids to come for a holiday audience with Queen Mother Me.

But What If The Kids Live Far Away?

Well, you can go to the airport, kick off the metal detector with your replaced hip and set the security forces in motion to pat you down for weapons of mass destruction or you can stay home. Alone. Well, almost alone. Though the holiday pictures in our heads involve crowds around a dinner table, imagine instead two on the floor in front of a fireplace with champagne and lobster at the ready.

Declare me a heretic, but I publicly avow that fireplace adventures for two geezers can be great fun as can spending a holiday in bed with someone who does not resemble an elf or a reindeer. Early to bed and staying in bed---that’s my motto. Breakfast in bed, lunch in bed, dinner in bed and the first one out has to call the kids to wish them Merry Whatever.

Deciding Your Own Holidays

Again, there is no law that you have to see the family on the actual holiday. Instead of Thanksgiving trips, it’s easier to visit another time when the weather is better and people are not in their stressed holiday mode, trying to replicate Martha Stewart’s table under watching eyes. And, instead of the December trips, try spring or summer, when the living is easy and the kids aren’t so fascinated with their new iPods that they forget to talk to you.

Revolting Grannies

Ok, let me put it another way. Not revolting grannies, but it may be time for grannies to revolt. Holidays have gotten too big for their britches and one little granny can’t handle it anymore. Call in the reserves---your adult kids---and let them step up to the oven.

Copyright © Maryellen Walsh 2006

Guests With Four Feet

         Over the river and through the woods to grandmother’s house we go, driving right smack into a giant yam and marshmallow casserole. Yes, it’s coming up on holiday season again and we older family members can expect all kinds of guests—some of them with four legs.

These guests are called dogs. Some of them may belong to your adult children. Then they are called grand dogs. I have five grand dogs. They visit, bark at the goats next door and pee on my wall-to-wall. That’s okay.

Because as holiday social companions, dogs are stellar guests. At Thanksgiving dinner, they don’t notice if you use the wrong fork and they don’t say tactless things to the host after one too many. They may flirt briefly with other guests, but they’ll never try to get a phone number. They clean the floor of spills, eat the leftovers without wrinkling their noses and are grateful for the hospitality. (Have you ever met an ungrateful dog? I tell you---my kind of mammal.)

Yes, dogs can decorate for the holidays in unusual ways. They may throw up on the carpet and slobber ever so slightly on the upholstery. And yes, they may bark a bit, transport a flea or two and, with their tails, clear a coffee table of wine glasses faster than you can yell “No!”.

Dogs perceive “No” as a command to wag the tail. So, of course, they break more wine glasses, which is yet another reason never to buy expensive glassware. Burn money instead. It’s more direct.

Doggie Hospitality

A few things to consider if King is coming to visit:

Dog Dishes—It’s nice to offer water and food in some out-of-the-way spot where you won’t stumble over the water dish because you forgot it was there. You don’t want to break a hip this year. It will crumble on its own soon enough.

Dog Food---Keep it in a lidded can, unless you want to feed the mice too.

Dog Treats---You can serve cow bones or vegetarian treats. Your kids will tell you if their dog is a vegetarian. Today, dog owners decide this, not evolution.

Leashes---In the excitement of packing for a trip to grandma’s house, these may be forgotten.

Dog Gates---If the yard isn’t fenced, think of using baby gates to keep an animal safe on the porch.

Dangerous Things---Unless you want the poodle to ignite its pompom, don’t keep candles on a low coffee table.

Accidents---It may not work to yell “Bad Dog!” because dogs seem to interpret that command as permission to do it all over again in the same spot next time they pass by.

Culture Changes

Dog Crates---Don’t ask me why but today’s young parents refuse to use a playpen---(that means babyproofing your whole house, grandma)---and yet they use a crate---a portable folding doghouse--for the dog indoors. I don’t get it, but I go along with a lot I don’t get---like free-range babies. So make space for the moveable doghouse.

Language---Dogs in the 1950’s knew the commands “sit,” “lie down” and “shake”. They ignored them. Dogs today are more literate and know even more commands to ignore. You may hear their owners say “off”, “drop”, “take it”, “kennel up”, “quiet” and the intriguing command, “potty”. Which means go on command.

Pardon my cynicism, but ha-ha.

Okay, back to the rules of dog hospitality:

If you are allergic to dogs or just don’t like them, don’t issue the invitation, but your dog-loving friends will make you pay. Maybe not now, but someday. So when they invite just you and ask you to leave your family at home, you’ll know where they got the idea.

Last, please remember that dogs can make older people fall. If you are visiting a very frail elder or one recovering from surgery, please leave the dog at home unless asked to bring it. Because a little dog can trip people if they forget he is around. A large dog can knock them over. And a fall is not what anyone wants for the holidays. Or ever. The old song is not….Over the river and through the woods to the ER we go.

Copyright © Maryellen Walsh 2006

Staying Sane for Santa

       

            Christmas would be fun if it weren’t for the grandkids. They ruin the whole thing. They spill cranberry sauce on the antique linen tablecloth, knock the ornaments off the tree and won’t share their toys with us.

As revenge, we grownups invented the kids’ table. Kids’ table is a form of exile where young hooligans are sent to spill gravy down the fronts of new suits and dresses. But most kids like having a kids’ table. Manners are not required because grandma isn’t watching. Peas are picked up with fingers. Dinner rolls are thrown and mashed potatoes artfully sculpted. Brussels sprouts are hidden in the middle of napkins. Under the table, bits of broccoli are fed to Queenie the Herbivorous Dog.

Is this fun or what?

But sometimes the grandparents catch on to the antics of visiting kids. So grandma says to grandpa: How will they ever learn company manners if they are not allowed at our table? Grandpa knows he is not supposed to think of a reason, so the next holiday, the kids are back with the grown-ups.

A Primer for Sanity at the Table.

Here’s how to survive so that holiday meals are fun---with kids, parents and grandparents sitting down together to enjoy The Sacred Turkey.

Keep the meal simple: You’ve already suffered enough from the lousy cost/benefit ratio of holiday cooking. Five hours to make it, five minutes to eat it---that’s the story of the family cook. So cut the menu. Six side dishes are not necessary. Neither are homemade pies. Bakeries are a girl’s best friend. I know your grandmother went to a lot more trouble. So did mine and all she got for it were bunions from standing in the kitchen so long.

Keep the table setting simple: Ignore those fancy ideas from Martha Stewart about tablescaping. She has no grandchildren. Do not use expensive throws as a table covering because you saw that in a magazine. Do not use the tablecloth your mother brought back from Florence. Instead, use place mats that can take a beating.

On no account give a child a stemmed goblet. Stemmed goblets are ergonomically designed to fall over, especially when full of Cranberry Nectar. On no account give anybody under three a plate that costs $10.

Entertain them: Give the kids something to do at the table. Look for the English party favors that pop open to offer a prize and a paper hat. Distract them with nostalgia. At each place, have some tangible bit of that person’s biography. Use photos and show the grandkids what they looked like when they were babies or even what their parents looked like in a third grade class picture. I’ve also used school drawings, nursery school report cards---“plays well with others”---and stories written in grade four---whatever bits of the past you saved because you have a sentimental heart and a blackmailing soul. Yes, nostalgia will play well during the winter holidays—ghosts of children past and memories of the olden days.

Set some rules of the table: You may be regarded as the Witch of the West for saying that they may not bring their electronic games and music players to the table, but say so. And any kid who tries to wear earphones and a wire to the table will be shoved in the oven just like Hansel and Gretel. So that’s our line in the sand---an iPod-free zone during dinner.

Punish them for infractions: Anybody child who does not behave has to listen to a Dean Martin Christmas album.

Take care of yourself: Visiting relatives can incur profound nappiness. Maybe it’s the tryptophan in the turkey, but by three o’clock on a holiday afternoon, I want to take a time-out and nap just like the littlest grand child. Truth to tell, I am this way every day. The call of the bed in the afternoon, the rosy checked awakening to a good cup of tea----this is the life I was made for and it won’t hurt you either. I figure taking a nap is like shutting down your computer for a while and booting it up again—it seems to run better and a lot of the little glitches are gone.

So Happy Holidays and don’t worry about the peas the grandkids spill on the floor. Queenie the Herbivorous Dog will take care of it.

Copyright © Maryellen Walsh 2006