If holidays are so much fun, then why do we dread them?
Is it exhaustion from family—too many people all at once and in repeated doses?
Well, truth to tell, though family occasions are satisfying---this is my clan, where I belong---they can be fraught with issues. (Now there’s a word: “fraught”.) It means burdened and loaded and is related to the word, “freight”. Freight is baggage and families, as we all know, come with a complete set of baggage, some of it matching, some not.
So what’s to be fraught about?
You already know:
1. Old history, enmities that aren’t water under the bridge, but emotions still dammed up, waiting to explode over a minor holiday incident---maybe the ”wrong” gift, maybe being late for the festivities---nothing that’s a big deal but, yikes, some unhappy person will make a big deal over it because he or she is carrying some heavy freight from past injuries, real or imagined.
2. Present behavior. Rich, rich rich is the depth of opportunity for getting upset with family over the holidays. It may be your sacred habit to open presents on Christmas Day, never before. That’s your gift code. But your son’s new wife opens them Christmas Eve. Is she not clueless beyond redemption? Or maybe your grandson Johnny smokes and though he’s outside, the smoke drifts in the house and you wonder what he smokes, anyhow. And why won’t he listen to you about his lungs?
Well, you can fill in your own situations. Think “fraught” and you’ll have many a holiday story to tell. My own worst moment: when my mother and step-father announced their divorce on Christmas Eve. I still feel sorry for myself 40 years later, which shows how long the half-life of family freight can be.
So What To Do?
There are ways to keep family holidays upbeat. Not completely upbeat, of course, for the seasonally disgruntled will do their gruntling no matter what. (That’s why the story of Scrooge has such wide appeal. We all know someone like Scrooge. Heck, we all are Scrooge at times.) But there are ways to morph families into a fun mode so they won’t scrooge up their time together.
Generate A Comedy Hour: It’s hard to be mean when you’re laughing. Snug in with the family during the holidays with some classic comedy DVD’s or some old Bill Cosby videos. Make it three-generational entertainment if that is your audience. And no, not George Carlin.
You can even tell your own one-liners. Really. Here’s one you can do Thanksgiving Day: When people go around the table saying what each one is thankful for, you say: “I’m thankful I didn’t get caught”. And then refuse to say more.
As for other family comedy, even our dogs get into the act. I confess Tiger has been dressed up with a reindeer antler headdress. We think it’s funny, but then we are easily amused. He seems proud of it---like a crown.
Do A Holiday Movie Night: Movies are the universal, cross-generation language. Everybody has an opinion about a movie: Wasn’t he cute? Hated the casting. Great story. What’s the best holiday movie? A Christmas Story? It’s a Wonderful Life?
If you are stumped for ideas because the youngest in the family may not love Miracle on 34th Street the way you did, then check out this book: The Best Old Movies for Families: A Guide for Watching Together by Ty Burr.
Words to the Wise
The fun and nostalgia of old movies is a positive thing for families, but it’s entertainment generated outside the family. Instead, maybe the most meaningful input over the holidays comes from family members themselves---when they tell you what they do, think and feel.
So ask about their lives. Do you know what your marketing director son really does in his job? What about your grandkids? Ask them to tell you about YouTube, MySpace, text messaging and the latest video games. And ask the little ones: What was the best holiday present you ever got? Then tell them about yours.
This is a humbling exercise. I discovered what I don’t know about my family is amazing. But then, what they don’t know about me is amazing, too.
And yes, I am thankful I never got caught.